Housing!
Alright, well, in order to stay in the dorms over the summer, I had to be registered for at least one class in each "Session". For those who don't know, there are four sessions:
-Session I runs from May 18 to June 4th, then there's a 4-day period where you can take a break and pray for good grades to come in.
-Session II runs from June 8th to July 31st, and you're done! Chill out and hang out until Fall semester in about 2 weeks.
-Session III runs from June 8th to July 2nd, and then there's another 4 days of rest and praying for good grades.
-Session IV runs from July 6th to July 30th, and then you're done!
So, basically, in order to be housed all summer, I'd have to (at minimum) register for a Session I and a Session II class, or a Session I, a Session III and a Session IV class. The big difference between doing Session II and Sessions III/IV is that Sessions III/IV are EVERY DAY and longer than Spring/Fall classes (to make up for the short terms), and thus if you've got the stamina for it, then you can pack a whole lot of classes in there; Session II is every other day, and you have to be willing to peck at the same classes for the whole summer, but they're still longer classes than Spring/Fall.
So, if I wanted minimal stress, I'd take just a Session I and a Session II class and rest every other day, right? Well, there's another complication...

...money. Financial aid for summer is quite paltry for me-- it may actually be non-existent next summer, if I take full loads in the Fall and Spring. In fact, the major reason I could even afford the tuition this summer is because I had left-over Pell Grant money (because they prorate the Pell Grant depending on your load). So, I wouldn't even be able to afford staying in the dorm over the summer if I didn't take at least two classes because they'd just prorate the Pell again. So, in order to break even, I had to take three classes, minimum. No prob, right? Session I, Session III and Session IV, one class each, right?

WRONG! Just because I have a place to put my head, doesn't mean I'd have the means to stay alive. The question of food becomes a problem. So, I had to register for an additional class in Session IV to hit me up to "full" Pell level, so I could enjoy having a meager check to allow me to purchase some food halfway through June. Well, that's fine. I love all my professors for this summer, and I'm feeling good.

I already finished the Session I class I took: XIDS 2301: Introduction to Global Studies. And let me tell you, it was the most unrelentingly depressing class ever. 3.5 hours a day, every day, for two weeks of non-stop destitution and suffering all over the world, and a great deal of it ain't getting helped by the lifestyle of the west. Almost everything you buy, trade for, use, smell, look at or contemplate it seems has some cost in corpses. I also had to write a paper every other day, it seems like. But... I got an A in the class. I delivered a fairly awesome paper I'm quite proud of, on the use of Russia's Post-Soviet Agricultural reforms as a model for creating sustainable agriculture programs throughout the world, increasing both quantity and quality of the food people can eat while driving down the cost of food, and to top it all off, it's much more environmentally sound than the current model used in most agribusiness.

So, one class down, 3 to go, right? Oh, no no no. I stepped into Juvenile Delinquency on the 8th of June and walked out registered to Juvenile Delinquency and Victimology as taught by the same professor, back-to-back. Why would I do that? Because this professor's pretty awesome. Very down to earth, doesn't B.S., doesn't "fill time" just to hear himself talk. Best of all, no papers. The closest we get to that is having to do two 1-page-minimum essays at the end of the (otherwise multiple choice) Victimology exams. Neither class has a comprehensive final, and Juvenile Delinquency doesn't have the essay, just multiple choice. I got a 92 on the first exam for Victimology and an 87 for the first Juvenile Delinquency exam, so I'm feeling pretty good about this summer. Best part is that I can even drop one of the classes during Session IV if it looks like it'll be too much trouble for four weeks-- but I doubt that will be necessary.

Weight Loss
Alright, back on April 22nd (after much work to go through every hoop they've got here), they finally prescribed me Vyvanse for my ADHD. Now, I've known in the past that I've got ADHD issues, and I was on a non-stimulant ADHD medicine (Strattera) a while back. All it did, though, was make me very very depressed because back then I still had all sorts of problems, including my then-still-not-unpacked gender issues. I got really really hyper-focused on everything BUT school, thinking about how everything is wrong and going badly. I had to get off it, obviously. Well, I wanted to get things under control after I got my first F in college back in the Fall 07 semester and saw I wasn't doing too hot in the Spring, either.

About Vyvanse: This stuff is awesome. The first day I took it, I got hit with the information that I had four hours to come up with $400 or I would not be able to register for the summer or fall. So, instead of procrastinating and eventually failing, driving me to get depressed and feel shitty... I was like, "Fuck no!" and I stormed out of my apartment with by backpack and everything I could stand to sell or use to call in favors. 4 hours later, I'd paid everything down, gotten advised, and registered. Hell, the lazy-ass I usually am, I would've typically waited for my friend to come pick me up and then I might've got stuff done. Well, I did call him for a ride, but he had to take a shower and get dressed and all that first, but he'd call me back before he came to pick me up. Well, about 30 minutes later, he calls me, I answer the phone as I'm hauling ass around campus, and I tell him to meet me halfway to my destination... which was extremely surprising to say the least!

But here's the bonus to it. ANYTHING I WANT TO DO, I GET THAT SHIT DONE while I'm on Vyvanse. I mean, if I feel like waiting a bit before proceeding, I can, but if I feel like getting to action, I do it. So, I have to go to class, I say, "I need to go to class." and within a couple minutes, I'm up and on my way. I'm usually early, actually. But it used to be more like, "I need to go to class", and about 15-20 minutes later, I get up and slowly drag myself out the door and show up a minute or two prior to class start. But, it gets better.

Vyvanse is, in addition to getting my head on straight and my mind properly focused, a superior weight-loss aid. Dear gawd. Okay, here's the thing: I'm an overeater most of the time. If I have more food around, there's a good shot I'll eat it. This has major financial and health implications, and I've gained a substantial amount of weight (over 150 lbs) over the past six years (and even then, I was overweight because of this). Well, that's changed since I got on Vyvanse; to say it suppresses appetite is a bit of an imprecise way to describe it. What Vyvanse seems to do for me, is I have to consciously decide to eat something, rather than doing it compulsively. It turns off that switch in my head that constantly tells me I'm hungry, even when I'm so full it's painful. So, in a way, yeah, it kills my appetite in the psychological sense-- I can still tell when I'm hungry from just being able to feel my stomach growl or whatnot. But I have to say to myself, "It's time to eat now", and then I eat. I also seem to have much more control over how big a portion I eat because I have to seriously consider how hungry I am based on physical needs, rather than psychological needs. I certainly need a lot less food than I used to eat.

In addition to that, because I can GET DONE those things I WANT TO GET DONE, when I tell myself I want to work out, I work out. The procrastination urge is GONE, kicked to the curb. I walked to class every day for two weeks, and felt healthier and healthier, clothes started feeling looser and looser. And then, when my prescription had to get re-upped on May 22nd, the loss was fairly astounding. I checked it the other day to get a feel for how it's progressing, and here's how it's going:
April 22nd (initial Vyvanse weigh-in): 350 lbs.
May 22nd (Refill weigh-in): 335 lbs. (15 lbs lost!)
June 11th (Self referral weigh-in): 327 lbs (23 lbs lost, total!)

These were all done on the same scale. But I did go check my weight at the gym on yesterday (June 16th) and I came in at 323, for another 4 lbs down. Though it may have been more, since that scale always had me as weighing a bit more than what the Health Center Scale put me in at. Startin June 8th, I also added some extra walking to my daily routine; originally, I added just a single mile at the end of my day, after class. I'd come home, put my stuff away, and then go out to the outdoor quarter-mile track and do four laps and then head in. And that worked back when I wasn't sleeping right (I've been sleeping better and better since I started losing more and more weight), but the problem with that was that it's reaaaly reaaaly hot and humid out here in Georgia just before sunset, and it would add to the problem of dehydration once I started going past a mile. So, when I decided to jump it up a notch to the 1.5 mile a day on Wednesday (the 10th) last week, I decided to leave the dorm about an hour or so earlier so I could hit up the indoor track at the campus center. It's air-conditioned and there's a water fountain right next to the track. Likewise, I have easy access to the weight machines after I finish my walk, should I choose to use them (like I did on Friday that week).

I'm up to two miles a day now, but I'm probably going to raise it to 2.5 miles tomorrow and friday. My diet is under a fairly tight calorie restriction, and I drink only water and a single small bottle of juice about a half hour before class starts (to make sure that I've got enough glucose for my brain to run on during class). Soda (though I broke this rule this past weekend) is forbidden, but tea is okay from time to time. My main food is rice with soy sauce or teriyaki right now, and it seems to be going pretty well. More stunning than the numerical weight loss is the cutting of inches off my waistline. I have lost FOUR INCHES off my waist. OH YEAH. Losing that gut fat is a major hurdle in my transition (since fat deposits like that are more traditionally associated with male body types).

Tits
Yeah, I has boobies. They're not impressive, but they're bigger than most transgirls get this far along in their transition, and they're still growing, since they've got plenty of fat to pull from elsewhere (the only upside to being so overweight while trying to transition). But the funny thing about it is how my thinking on them have changed over time. At one time, especially when I was much younger, I saw boobs as like the most awesome thing on earth to have. I mean, really, they were one of those things that only women have-- or at least, they only have the kind of boobs that don't result purely from being a really fat guy. Women's boobs always seemed shaped right (and I've gotten to the understanding about how much that depends on the "appliances" one uses to control and contour those fuckers), and they were the one thing that almost always seemed to define whether you were looking at a woman or a man from a distance.

But now, dear god, these things are starting to get just a little annoying. Not to say that I'd get rid of them (not in a million years or for a million dollars!), but... because they're still growing, they have these times where they itch or ache from the slightest physical contact. That and they've made some shirts unwearable (at least for now) by making them seem a bit shorter from jutting out a bit more and then they kinda drape down some, further out from the body, reducing the amount of coverage at the bottom. Now, this would be fricken awesome if I were thinner and had a super-hot midriff. But I'm suffering from severe muffintop syndrome right now-- and while it's getting better, I'm getting a kind of dimpling going on with my belly, and I've still got a little too much hair on my chest... well, just take my word for it, that no one wants to see my belly right now. There are also a few movements where they can contribute to some awkwardness, and I'm having to adjust the way I go about regular behavior.

I'm sure, though, I'll have a slightly better attitude for them when I get down in weight some more and they really play in my favor appearance-wise.

Graduation!
Well, with all this strenuous summer class activity, I'm looking at graduating as early as December 2010. That's just a little over a year. Which is great, in a sense and is kinda "meh" in another. It's "meh" because, I'm going to go to grad school, definitely, and that's cool... but it's like graduating into doing more of the same, just at a slightly more intense level. But it's great in a way, because it opens all kinds of doors and opportunities.

For one thing, I can use the chance to work towards a much more focused goal. For example, I can go get a Master's degree in Criminology, International Relations or Public Administration and really apply some of my knowledge into an interesting career field. Likewise, I think I'll enjoy being able to fully explore a specific sub-discipline of a subject, and trying to come up with an interesting and fresh contribution to academia.

Another bonus is that I might be able to use the process of applying for graduate school to re-shop for new colleges, in a sense. I like where I'm at, sure, but it does have its limitations, and I certainly don't feel up to doing most of my academic work here, especially when I think about going on to get a PhD, as a possibility once I'm close to finishing my Masters.

Related to that, and biggest of all, is the chance for a fresh start somewhere else. After I'm further along in my transition, I'd like the chance to be somewhere new where everyone knows me first and only as a woman. It's a big thing, to be honest, because as long as I'm at this college and even though I have very supportive friends... most of them don't really understand. And for some of them, it seems like they view my transition is almost like a hobby, or side-project, and as far as they see it, I'll always just be a guy. I'd like to go somewhere, where if someone is referring to me and says "she" or "her", I'll know they're not humoring me, but that's just how they know me.

And part of that last bit is why I've not been too keen on forcing people into pronoun conformity, getting angry or pushy when people use "he" or "him" when talking about me, or referring to me as a guy. Because I don't want people to humor me, or be patronizing, and worse... I don't want to leave the door open for that doubt to enter my mind, where I start getting these paranoid ideations and don't feel too sure who is seriously with me and who are just pretending to for whatever reason. I don't think anyone's doing it for malicious purposes, but if you don't understand the transgender/transsexual conditon first-hand, it's just all too easy to not recognize people's own gender identity... hell, it's hard enough for me to do sometimes!

I also don't want to just suddenly start using the women's restroom at a school where everyone knows my business, and eventually it won't be appropriate for me to use the men's room, either. And this college doesn't have nearly enough Unisex bathrooms.

Well, some of you may know a couple years back I used to go to Katsucon all the time.  I worked security and other things while I was there, but one year, during Katsucon 9 (Kat-snow-con), we had a little hiccup in our programming caused by the weather.  The planned panelists covering Yaoi/Yuri were not able to make it because of the weather (gigantic blizzard).  I'd been working all day, but I wanted to enjoy the panel (I'd had a wonderful time talking with Erica Friedman after the one I'd been to at Katsucon 8) so bad.  When I got word that the panel was going to be canceled if someone didn't somehow step up to host it, things looked bad.  Then a couple young women with whom I'd been hanging and chatting about the panel volunteered and talked me into doing it.

Drowsy and tired, I went up there and did my first panel ever.  And it was a notoriously difficult to control panel, with lots of highly excitable people in the audience who loved to get loud and scream.  We had a lady in the front row who had difficulties in dealing with loud noises, and we tried to make a bargain with the audience to get them to calm down so she could enjoy it, too.. something about naked pictures of Gackt... I don't really remember too well, I was a tired and awkward teenager.

This was a tentative step for me, to put my toes back in "dangerous waters" as I got close to graduating high school.  You see, going to that Yaoi/Yuri panel at Katsucon 8 was... scary for me.  I almost cried several times, because it was the most I'd allow myself to show interest in that side of myself after the "conversion therapy" and the berating by my parents after I came out to them.  Katsucon 8's Yaoi/Yuri panel changed my life in a major way; I found for one weekend, a place where I wouldn't get yelled at, insulted, belittled, beaten or manipulated into hiding myself.  It was cathartic, and it probably saved my life.

When the Katsucon 9 yaoi/yuri panel rolled around without its panelists, it was my chance to step up to the plate and give back something to a sort of institution that kept me from losing myself.  It was also kinda like coming out again, and I think it showed in my awkwardness at the time.  See, at Katsucon 8, when I went to the panel, I lied to my friends about having attended.  It was like jumping back into hiding.  This time, there was no hiding.  I didn't just attend, I hosted.  I talked about how much Yaoi and Yuri fiction I'd read in front of an audience.  I couldn't keep hidden.  So, I was nervous, tired, awkward and still trying to figure out who I was.  I probably didn't do as good a job as I thought I'd done at the time.

Someone reminded me today about that panel.  A friend mentioned in passing about Kat-snow-con and how Erica Friedman didn't make it and "didn't you end up hosting that panel?"  So I was like, yeah... I wonder if anyone posted pictures or something on the panel.  So I googled, "'katsucon 9' 'yaoi/yuri panel'" and about 3/4ths down the first page, I saw an entry by an LJ user named corneredangel, which regarded the panel as a highlight of the evening... excepting the "one male panellist being silly/stupid/extroverted"; that was me, the "loud obnoxious" one who grated this person.

At first, it kinda hurt to read it.  But then, yeah... I probably was being too damn silly, being extremely stupid and yes, I can become a bit of an extrovert when I get really tired (also do this when I'm drugged, but what can you do).  And almost certainly, I was loud, though I couldn't be sure about Obnoxious, since... well, they invited me back the next year to take over.

But I decided to do something I don't think too many panelists would do, especially this far after the fact.  I decided to apologize.  I think one of the things that conventions are really suffering from now, is a lack of courtesy.  And an excess of people who are just fine with being "that guy" who ruins something for someone else.  Hell, my entire weekend at the last AWA I went to was negatively influenced by a single conversation I'd had with someone at the opening ceremonies-- little things like that really can piss people off for the long run and it can ruin things.  I've not gone to a convention in at least 2-3 years now... finances aside (I'd managed to attend Katsucon 8 on $50, I can go to a convention if I REALLY want to go to one), I've become pretty turned off to the attitude that's in full force at conventions now.

So, I decided to do my part, and I wrote this:

----------------
Privet and hello, Corneredangel,

I just stumbled onto your LJ today when a friend reminded me about Katsucon 9 and I tried to find some photos from back then and I kinda googled the Yaoi/Yuri panel which you'd commented on.

I am the "one [formerly] male panellist being silly/stupid/extroverted" that you mentioned there. I'm not here to yell at you or rage against your opinion. I'm here to apologize; if you didn't like my performance on the panel, then I'm sorry if I detracted from your enjoyment of it at all. I know it's been a long time, and you may not even really remember it much, but yeah. I hate being "that one" who ruined something for someone else, because that has happened to me so many times in the past at different cons.

By way of explanation, I'd been working around the clock at the convention as staff, and when we got told that the guests (Erica Friedman of Yuricon, and others) would not be coming, I kinda volunteered to jump in, though I didn't know much at the time-- indeed, my only expertise was that I'd read quite a bit of Yaoi and Yuri and that I'd won some state writing awards for my short fiction.

We didn't want the panel to dissolve into nothingness and let people down more, was the major concern. I tried to be casual about it, but I was also very tired which is probably the 2nd biggest factor to my grating and annoying performance; the first being that I was (at the time) a relatively sexually and gender-confused teenager.

I didn't comment in the post because I didn't know if you'd check it or not. But again, I'm sorry. It might not mean much, but, I'm sure you don't get apologies from panelists very much, so..

Anyways, I hope to see you again, under more pleasant terms in the future.

Sincerely,

Cass.
----------------------------

Did I do the right thing?  I can't be too sure, but I know that I had to do it.  It's one of those things that reaches from your past sometimes, to remind you when you've messed up.  You can ignore it at your own peril, or you can atone.

I hope I get a response...

So, yeah, I fail at updating this thing frequently.

In any case, UWG proved itself to be a 10 lbs. of fail in a 5lb. bag.  You got students who will be on campus until Friday at 6pm, some who will be on campus until Saturday afternoon.  So, what do you do?  I know, SHUT DOWN EVERYTHING AT 2pm on THURSDAY.  No food facilities, no campus bus lines, nothing.  Required me to mooch of a friend and survive off a vending machine to prevent malnourishment while taking Vyvanse to keep me going while I blasted through the daunting task of moving out of Tyus.

I did a good job, though.  According to the inspection form, I returned the room in better shape than I got it.  Ha ha.

For now, I'm at my mom's place in Monticello.  There's no A/C here, so we're relying on fans to keep us cool.  I also have to take my hormones on the down-low since my stepdad doesn't know what's up.  I am currently studying up on some of the material ahead for the summer semester, while trying to make calls to ResLife to see if they've figured out my room assignment for the summer yet.  I'm also trying to look up what materials I'll need for all the art classes I'll be taking in the summer and the fall.

For the curious, I offer a view of my summer and Fall schedules (as they are right now).
Summer 2009
Session I (May 18-June 2)
XIDS 2301 "Introduction to Global Studies" (Aran MacKinnon)
Session III (June 8-30)
ART  1007 "Drawing" (Erin Dixon)
Session IV (July 6-28)
XIDS 2100 "Representing American Women (Debra MacComb)
SOCI 3543 "Sociology of Religion" (Laurel Holland)

Fall 2009
ART 1101 "Two-Dimensional Composition" (Clint Samples)
ART 1102 "Three-Dimensional Composition" (TBA/Unknown)

Overall, a good schedule.  I may add History of Western Art to the Fall schedule, if I can get in on one of the mostly online courses.  Lots of art-ing to do, I suppose.  Should be fun.  I'd like to see if I can get decent at drawing.

Finally, I've made a second livejournal to go along with this one.  The other one is directed towards my work towards producing a novel or something of the sort.  There's nothing on it at this moment.  I'm going to likely figure out which story idea I'm going to go with.
1)  A young trans-woman tries to get into, and get through, a women's college.
2)  Time-travel story.  Not much I can say, except that it deals with the questions of choice, fate and of course... a fascistic temporal authority trying to direct the progress of man and maintain the "purity" of a specific timeline.
3)  My answer to libertarian/objectivist fiction like Ayn Rand's crap, in which a private company begins capturing, concentrating and storing oxygen from the air, selling it only to the highest bidders and only in certain quantities while others die en masse as the air begins to thin out.

Anyone got an idea which one to choose?

Well, it's almost summer time again. I will likely get to register in time for summer classes, if I can get the $200 from my sister and $200 from my mom that I need to pay off the college, and if I can straighten out things with the library and the bursar's office (they're claiming I never paid off the short term loan).

So, I'm doing okay.  I was kinda starving this past week, surviving on ramen noodles and slim-fast because I've been so low on money, but I did get the royal hookup for my foods from my mom, so I'm good to go for a while.

Also, I've had an idea to have a second blog somewheres that I will start with the goal of essentially posting a short story or novel page-by-page every week or so.  And essentially by forcing myself into a deadline, maybe clearing off my backlog of story ideas.  I'm sitting on top of a huge pile of story ideas, notes, development journals, drafts and all that, and I've just been slacking on actually putting fingers to keyboard to actually do it.  What do all of you my few remaining blogging type friends think?  :D

So, I just remembered I have a blog here on livejournal.

Should I even bother trying to come back, or what?  You decide, lemme know if it's worth it!

Well, it's been 10 days.  It can get hard remember to take my meds, but I'm doing it.  I've only missed two doses due to irregular sleep patterns.

But, I can say what I've noticed:
1)  Yes, if I miss my nightly estrogen dose, I do notice I get a bit different.  Mostly, just getting irritated by minor slights and such.  Things cause a hitch, and I'm less tolerant of it.
2)  Facial hair growth is slowed.  Generally speaking, if I forget/neglect to shave, after 3-4 days, I've almost got a beard going.  Now, I've gone nearly a week (hard to justify shaving, when I can't get enough sleep most of the time) without it, and it's almost like 2 day growth.
3)  Incidentally, my seborrhoea has begun clearing up.  Less flaking and rashes now.  Since this is largely caused by excess oil production, it makes sense.

That's about it.  At least, as much as I can notice.

Okay, well, about a week ago, I placed my order for my hormones.  They came in today.

Now, I'd planned to wake up today at a decent time, and just go about my business.  I didn't know they would be here yet.  So, I went to sleep, woke up, hit snooze and slept more, woke up, pushed back the alarm by an hour and went to sleep again, woke up, hit snooze... rinse and repeat until about noon time.  I had to catch up on my sleep somehow.  Anyhoo, I decide to get on my email and then check the status on my package.  No e-mails... but then the message, "DELIVERED," appeared on my screen when I put in my code...

I jumped up, ran to the bathroom and washed up, I began dressing to some celebration music and hauled ass to my PO Box.  I signed for my package, went upstairs to the food court at the campus commons building and opened it.. could almost hear a chorus of angels singing as I did so.

I pulled out my dosages, and took them with my lunch.

Today is Day Zero.

Why Day "Zero"?  Well, it's something I picked up from being around military folks.  Day/Week Zero is most commonly used to refer to the period of time where you've been sworn into the military and are at basic training, but you're not really doing anything "official".  It's mostly filling out paperwork and keeping busy until the actual by-the-book training takes place.

Essentially, this is where I am sitting around, not officially "on" my hormones.  Tomorrow will be the first full day of HRT action, and I'm excited.  I mean, REALLY excited.  And I feel so energetic and ready for everything, and I'd like to think it is what I've taken so far, but I know better.  That it's just a good feeling coming from finally starting on these, a kind of placebo effect, but really just general elation coming from some actual progress beginning now.

I also know I've been bad, slacking on my bloggery.  Well, hmph.  Sorry.  I've kinda had my life flipped around a couple times, trying to move.  Even had a brief period where I was living out of the office of the campus GLBT organization, because I didn't have anywhere else to go.  But, everything's settled down and I've got a new laptop and TV (which doubles as a nice monitor for me).  But really, I'll try to give at least weekly updates on my hormone progress.  I'll even try to snap a shot of myself tomorrow for future compare-contrast reference!  Until then, toodles and stuff, or wev.

Alright, well, further funding has allowed me to pay down my short term loan further and get in a good two weeks of minor hedonism in before I make the plunge straight into diet territory.  Here's the plan:

The (X:xx-Y:yy) format for times is because I'm a bit flexible in when I wake up.
Breakfast (9:00-10:00 am)- One Slim-Fast Shake (250 Calories)
Snack (11:00 am-12:00 pm)- One Slim-Fast High Protein Bar (150-200 calories)
Lunch (1:00-2:00 pm)- One Slim-Fast Shake and a High Protein Bar (500-550 calories)
Snack (3:00-4:00 pm)- One Slim-Fast High Protein Bar (150-200 calories)
Dinner (5:00-6:00 pm)- One Michelina's Grande Dinner (500-700 Calories)
(Maybe)Snack (8:00 pm)- One Slim-Fast High Protein Bar (150 calories)

Which puts me at around 1550 to 2050 calories a day.  Let's be honest here, This is a Low-Calorie Diet.  For someone my weight, age, and height, a person should consume 3370 calories to maintain weight, 2696 calories to lose 2-3 pounds a week, and 2560 calories for extreme weight loss (like 5-6 pounds a week).  I don't know how long I can work this; if I start feeling ill or something, I'll ease up on it.  But so far, I've felt fine (save for a bout of low blood sugar earlier today due to staying late on campus without my Afternoon (3:00-4:00 pm) snack. 

The main key to the diet isn't the extremely low calorie consumption (which will help), but breaking down two huge meals a day (my usual habit) into 5-6 smaller meals, evenly spaced.  Problem is, this does drop my blood sugar some to a lower flatter line (instead of two huge peaks through the day), and if I miss one of my snacks, I do feel funny.  This just shows the importance of packing an extra bar in my bag so I can be more flexible-- lesson learned.

Big Zach and his girlfriend have made joking attempts to tempt me off my diet, but I've held strong.  I walk past a Chinese resturant that I know has a great lineup and lunch buffet every day with a pocket full of cash and don't blink; I think that's a good testament to my willpower right now.  The big thing I have to do is remember that my overeating problem isn't an ACTUAL NEED, it's something created by faulty coping habits-- I'm trying to deal with some emotion or problem with something I've been brought up to see as a "reward": Food.  Likewise, I need to remind myself that sticking to this plan will make my transition so much smoother.  :)  Please remind me that, guys!

Money really can make all the difference sometimes.

No, money itself can't make you happy, but boy, can it buy you some things that let you do things to make you happy.  And no, I don't mean that in an "adult" way.  Actually, I just got my paycheck.  $290 for roughly 20-22 hours of work.  Pretty good times.  Next paycheck will be nicer, to be sure.  However, it's what I'm doing with this check that's astounding.

Well, about $150 of it is going directly to pay down my short-term student loan.  The pesky one keeping me from registering.  Once I get that done and I can register, then I can put down the $250 I need for a deposit on the new place on-campus; the single bedroom where I can be a tranny all by myself.

The remaining $140?  Well, I bought a hair straightener, some liquid foundation and a brush, and an amp for the guitar Little Zach gave me.

The amp is awesome.  I'm not going to do Madison Square Garden on it, but it belts out some massive sound and allows me to try out new things on the guitar.

But the surprise winner was the foundation!  That shit is such hotness. Maybelline, you guys kick ass.  I'm not sure if it's a perfect match to my skin, but damn if it isn't close enough to kick massive ass.  And thanks to Calpernia Adams, I know how to apply the stuff without looking like I'm wearing Plaster of Paris.  I tried out just a bit on some problem areas, and holy OMG in a pair of LOLLERSKATES, it put me into a whole different zone of SEKZY.  A little dab'll do you.

I'm going to hold on to as much of the remaining $40 as I can for the next 2 weeks, and just eat some damn rice and veggies, and maybe exercise.  But I have GOT to get my Hair Wizard, Marie, to kick my bushy eyebrows to the fucking curb.  I nuke those eyebrows down to something thinner, I hit up the foundation and a little eyeshadow and such, tap some contour, don the hairband of justice, and nip the tips with some straightener action.. I may have a facebook-worthy photo for once.

Fucking hotness.  I feel like a million, all for $290.

It's been a while since I posted anything on here.

I'm sorry if I kept anyone waiting.  :(

But I've been spending all the time since the end of the semester trying to get my shit together, and not doing too well on that front.  When I first got out of classes, I was expecting tons of work this summer, and when it didn't immediately come through I kinda let it hurt me.  Being broke sucks, and the one thing I hate doing is having to ask my mom for help, because I know she can't really afford to.

But a friend mentioned she needed disability services help, and when she requested me, I suddenly got hours to work.  Finally, besides simply having something to fill my days, I also have a source of income which can help pay my bills and keep me off my mom's dole.  It's tiring work, to be sure, but I like doing it-- especially over the alternatives of work my mom wanted me to do.

Of course, getting worn out like this makes me feel a bit crappy sometimes, but overall, I feel better.  Especially now that I've got a decent plan to go about my life.

This friday, I get my first check of the summer for $300 or so.  I'll spend about $100 getting myself set up on the Slim-Fast Diet.  The remainder will go to pay down my Short Term loan at the college.  July 5th or so, I'll get a paycheck for about $650 or so and I'll pay off my last month of rent and use the remainder to maintain my diet and pay down the loan more.  Next check will finish off the loan and library fines, then will go to putting down a deposit for me to move into the dorms.

I'll also be getting my SportBrain subscription back up to Gold so I can keep good track of my exercise (particularly walking) habits.

See, part of my depression is that I've not lost any weight in a while... and even if I could afford any new clothes, I couldn't buy any.  I can't find women's clothing that I like in sizes bigger than 16 or so.  Right now, I rate at about a size 24-26 waist, so I've much work ahead of me.  And it gets depressing to think about.  And sadly, the way I've dealt with the depression over my body issues is to just keep eating and eating... drinking sodas and everything else.. continuing and continuing until I pretty much feel like throwing up.  To be honest, sometimes I wish I did, because then I wouldn't gain weight from it.  But then that's a whole other eating disorder.  :(

I'm losing hope sometimes; it's the little things others have been doing and saying to me that keep me going.  That and a sense of duty to others, to keep going and to prove what someone can do when they want something bad enough.  I think my voice work is paying off nicely, though I've not had a chance to try it out in public.  I might upload a voice sample, if someone cares to ask.. I think it sounds pretty crappy, but maybe I'm wrong.  I think my man-voice sounds crappy, but people seem to like it enough.

I dunno, I'm not saying I want people's pity or anything, but.. I just kinda want some reassurances that I'm not crapping out here.. that there IS a chance and some hope for me.  Maybe I could do with some friends to keep me working out or something once I get serious on my diet.  I don't know, I just want something I can't quite put my finger on... and the best word I could use for it is.. 'progress'...

Anyone out there feel like I've made any kind of 'progress'?  That I'm not just trying hard for no reason?

Okay, well, I've begun "casting" for parts in my so-called TV show, which is yet to be named.

So far, I've gotten the following people interested (* means I have a picture of them I can use for the rendering):
1)  Bree*
2)  Marcy
3)  Sheila*
4)  Phoung
5)  Sarah

I think others have expressed interest, but I need a picture to do more!

I think it also behooves me to explain the program I use, as well.  I use a game called "The Movies" to 'film' the scenes in rendered 3D, then edit them down and add subtitles and the like.  I later use Adobe Premiere to put finishing touches and such.  But the problem with "The Movies" is that its customization is limited to editing the digital actors' faces.  Customization of bodies is very limited; I can change costumes and such, but I can't work on actual physique, except doing cosmetic surgery to add bust (can't take it away) and do liposuction to lose waistline (can't add it).

What this means, is that everyone will be the same height, and the same basic physique.  I can add bust for people who may be notable for spectacular racks (lookin' at you, Marcy!), but other than that, it'll have to be a quirk we get used to, hopefully.

As for other stuff going on, I finished my sociology paper, which was the last major assignment this semester, leaving me with nothing but exam reviews which are hardly strenuous.  Now, if I can find work in May, June, and July to pay the bills, I might just be good to go this fall with everything I need.  Anyways, I hope to hear from others soon, if anyone else is interested in joining the project.  The biggest need to join is going to be a straight-on headshot.  Put on whatever makeup you'd like to be seen with in the show.  I'm getting close to beginning work on the intro, so hurry it up!

Alright, well, I got a couple messages about the movie idea I'm working on, and so I think I should talk about it, 'cuz I think it'll be fricken sweet.

1.  It's gonna be CG, so unfortunately, I won't be needing actors or actresses.  I know.  I wish I could put you all on camera, but, there is a way!  I can, in fact, make a digital version of you for the movies.  They aren't great, but I can try to get close to how you look, and make some minor changes to get closer to how you'd like to look (for my fellow trans- folks).  I'm debating the merits of actual voice overs or just subtitles and "babble" for the dialog; if I need help here, I'll put out a call.

2.  It was supposed to be about me, at first, but I decided that it would be self-indulgent bullcrap if I did that, and probably not all that interesting to people.  So, I've decided to turn it towards a fictional storyline I've been kicking around, one that I wanted to turn into a novel, but just haven't gotten to yet.

3.  It may not even be a movie.  I've been debating an 'episodic' format, like a TV show, instead.  This would make it easier to post on YouTube, and also allow people to start seeing more of it sooner.  I could also use feedback to improve later episodes, resulting in a better story.

4.  If I make it a TV show, the opening theme song will be Okkusenman.  You can find lots of awesome videos with this song at these links:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFmQ7RFgDo8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kT9b_27H6Io
Seriously, I love this song, and it's goin' in somehow.  So enjoy!

Anyways, please comment on these damn posts.  Otherwise, it feels like I'm shouting into the depths of the internet.  And let me know what you think of my ideas here, especially the Episode vs. Movie debate.

EDIT: I'm pretty much locking into the episodic idea now. So, I'm gonna start calling it an 'internet TV series', instead of a "movie".

Alrighty! Here's the status update to catch things up.

Essentially, I got new job at Student Development here at my college as a captioner. What this means is that I sit in a class with a special laptop and a student who needs my assistance, and I repeat everything the professor (and students asking questions) say into the computer. The computer, trained to understand my voice, translates this into text which the student can read. It's rarely perfect, but it's better than the student getting nothing. After the class, I go over the file and fix it into a transcript the student can use later. Before other students ask, no, I cannot give you a copy of the transcripts unless I get specific authorization from my department. Sorry.

So, new job that involves a massive pay raise: Good news. Now the bad news.

Like I said, because of a lightning storm on Saturday, I lost my internet. I've been losing my everlovin' mind, and it's complicated all the following issues, as well as making more difficult my job as a captioner.

While my mom has decided to pony up the cash for my car to get fixed, she's going to be borrowing my car until hers is fixed, which could take any amount of time. So, that's bad news overall, until I get the car back. As well, rent's due and I dunno if I'll have it before the due date (tomorrow). So, that sucks. But I should have it covered, regardless...

I apparently lapsed on my short-term loan, and I'm currently a broke-ass; my registration's blocked until I can cover it, which means I'm going to have to crank out my hours into overdrive to cover this ASAP. This is such suck.

But anyways, other than that, life's pretty good. I've got a great group of extremely supportive friends who are really super people. Major shoutouts go to Marcy, Sheila, Phoung, Nia and the rest of the Lambda crew; I swear, if I didn't have you all in my life I'd probably be out trying to drown myself in the pool or something. You guys really make things seem possible for me, and I love you all so much. It's extremely easy to get depressed when all this great transition stuff is dangling just out of reach, and you all have been giving me such great respect and... it's just priceless, that's all I can say. I really cherish you all.

Additionally, I'm working on a little side project right now. Some of you know I have a YouTube account, CassandraCarter. I hope if you don't, you'll add me on there as a friend or something. :) But all I have right now are my editing tests, where I messed around with Adobe Premiere and sound editing. But, I'm hoping to roll out a short movie about myself, for my friends and others to understand me better. I might even have a trailer out soon, just to be a little teaser.

So, for all you guys, gals and sexy androgynes... keep reading! I'm still alive, and the cake is NOT a lie!

EDIT just before publishing: My car is dead. It blew a head gasket, and that's been the major source of trouble. So, now we're looking at scrap prices. This sucks so hard. :(

Look, I've not been posting because I deleted Windows XP and upgraded to Vista, and that caused a major shakeup.  Then stuff starting coming due, and now my internet at home is down until further notice.  I'm posting from campus, which is super-lame and I'm just a bit pissed, but I guarantee and promise:
1)  I'm never gonna give you up.
2)  Never gonna let you down.
3)  Never gonna run around and hurt you.

Happy late April Fools.  Everything but the rickroll is true, bear with me.

My roommate's given me the last straw to stop even pretending he's my friend. I posted an article on my Facebook:
http://jamaicaobserver.com/news/html/20080105T230000-0500_131067_OBS_FEMALES_TO_BLAME_FOR_MALE_SUICIDES__.asp

Essentially, an anthropologist in Jamaica is claiming that women are the cause of men losing their minds and killing their wives and children, then committing suicide, because women are "too manipulative". I posted the article with a brief statement: "Yup, sexism is alive and well; we're getting back to blaming the victim. And people ask me why I say I'm a feminist.."

My roommate (who doesn't know I'm trans), who rarely notices anything on my Facebook (unless it insults Ron Paul), immediately replied:
"Jeeze, John.... Perhaps, you should read the entire article before commenting. It is a fact women manipulate men with their sexuality and exploit, knowingly and unknowingly, men with their weakness. That is life, but to take a stance that only benefits one side is kind of dumb."

I replied: "Well, sorry if I'm a bit skeptical of a view that women are so collectively manipulative and evil that men just have no choice but to nut out and beat and murder women and children.

It's a fact that men use their combined political, economic and social power to manipulate and subjugate women. If women are manipulative in your view, then I would say that it is quite similar to any other kind of asymmetrical condition where one has to use whatever means are at her disposal to get even minimal improvement.

But then again, I'm of the view that no person can manipulate you through sex, if you're secure enough in your own identity that you don't require other people to affirm my value through sex."

And he hit with a double-barrel reply: "As well as you should be, because you have not taken emotional, social, and economical strain put on men in Jamaica into consideration. Under similar circumstances, women have been know to snap just as these men in Jamaica have. However, when the shoe is on the other foot the victims (usually the husband or boyfriend) receives less sympathy, if any.

Don't get me wrong, I am not justifying their behavior.

However.

It's very well documented that women play "games" just to do so. This goes right along with the theory of the bigger better deal. It's also been this way since the invention of the plow (go read the evolution of love). There are some bs laws on the books, I will give you this, but women can not do anything and everything men can do. For this reason, not everything can or should be equal."

"Manipulative behavior is not evil, but if it is used in a destructive manner, to destroy a man or womans emotional well being, economical status or the like. Then it is wrong.

It is also a fact that women are emotionally based creatures. This means that they are less able to step out of their view point and consider situations from multiple view points and logical in a logical manner.

It's easy enough for you to say that John, because you are still blessed with an outsiders opinion. Once you enter this game of love, hate and sex you will sing a different song. Until then though it doesn't really matter what you think of it. For the simple fact that you have very little to no experience in it."

And I replied in a similar double-barreled fashion: "Zach, you don't know shit about my interpersonal or sexual experience. I've not shared much with you (except the ridiculous ones), because it's not such a part of my identity that I let it dominate how I relate to people. The fact is, that I'm not manipulated by others sexually, because I consider sex a bonus in life, not a requirement for happiness or self-esteem.

When you are around, for the most part, you only get to see me for (on average) 2-4% of my day; the rest of it is invisible to you, save those parts that I share, and those parts are few and far between.

As for when a woman snaps and kills a man, it's usually because he's actually beating her; even then, the woman is called "mad woman" or "crazy"."

"As for things that women can't do, cite them. Women have climbed tall mountains and many have lifted more weight than you have. Women have made artwork, and they've been legendary for their marksmanship. Women have invented, constructed and used almost all manner of device. Women have led capably (in fact, one infamous woman leader holds the title of having the most documented life of the Middle Ages, and she started life in that heavily class-conscious period as a poor peasant). The food you pull from the cupboard may have been driven cross-country by a woman, the apartment you rent may have been built with the help of a woman, the car you drive may have been assembled by women. Tell me what a woman can't do, and I'll find one that said, "I can," and did it."

After a good five minutes, stewing over his rather insulting sexist viewpoints, and thinking back on everything in the past we've talked about.. I just decided to say "fuck it", and give this guy the old heave-ho. I can't kick him out of the apartment, but I can choose to not associate with him. I removed him as a friend on Facebook, and if I see him, I probably ain't gonna talk to him. It's time for me to take charge of my life and start getting a bit pickier about who I associate with, because I'm fucking tired of being surrounded by bigots and dicks. I hate having to walk around all day thinking about who needs a good cockpunching, because I made 'friends' with someone whose views are immature and at times bizarre.

So, fuck this shit. I'm taking charge of my life now and it's time for a little spring cleaning.

Over the past few weeks, I've been undersleeping during the week and trying to sleep in on the weekends to make up the difference, though I've not been able to power through the sleeping all the way to get rid of the general tiredness I've been dealing with. Last night, though, that changed; I slept for over 17 hours, broken into three sections. As a result I had three major dreams:

1st) I was living full-time as female, and close to graduation, but I needed to find a new job to pay my rent. My mom told me the high school in my old hometown needed someone to fill in twice a week, on days that fit my schedule, and were willing to pay top dollar for a permanent substitute. I go to teach, but before I start, the principal tells me this class is 'remedial geography'; it's a class of students they've pretty much given up on. As long as I take roll and keep them relatively quiet, they don't care what or IF I teach anything. So, I go all out and teach them everything I feel like teaching.. and it's pretty fun.. and then I wake up.

There's a while here while I get something to eat.. and then I go back to sleep within the hour.

2nd) Now, this is hard to describe, but I'll try. I've been sent to a mental hospital or something, and they're doing intake sessions for people just coming in. Imagine a square room from the top; the left and right walls are like prison bars. The left side has a full-length mirror, a desk, a hospital official and 2 guards and the right side has a room with the door we came through to get in. On the 'bottom' wall (the one behind me most of the dream), in the left-hand corner, is an unlocked thick metal door that leads into a small space with a locked door that leads to an office or conference room or something. Anyway, I'm in the middle room with two other guys. The first guy goes in and we hear the whole intake, where this guy is clearly some crazy psycho-killer or something. During the intake, he's able to break loose, shatter the mirror and use the shards to kill the other three in his room. As he gets out of the left side room, 2 guards come in from the right side room.. and he kills them too. As he's doing all this, both me and the other guy who came in are keeping our distance, which drives us closer and closer to the unlocked door in the back wall. The other guy shoves me into that room, slams the door and locks it with a padlock to keep the killer guy out.. and I'm in an unlit room between two locked doors listening to the killer murder the guy who just saved me. After a while, there's silence and I try to knock on the door to the office/conference room, but all I hear are two guys talking about 'those nutters making noise just to hear themselves make noise'. I try to scream to let them know there's a killer on the loose, but nothing happens. A few minutes later, the metal vent-grate at the bottom of the door leading to where I just came from is busted open and the hospital official who was killed looks through and yells, "YOU'RE NEXT!" and cackles. As I realize the crazy killer guy is sending visions in my mind, my mom calls on my cell phone and wakes me up...

After the phone call, I roll over to get more sleep.

3rd) Alright, I can't describe exactly what's happening at the beginning. All I know is that I'm noticing shit around me is not going how it should.. like a weird deja vu or something. Now, it's rare for me to 'look' like I do for real, my dreams I always at least SEEM female. But I looked like I do for real for this one, and a woman finds me, and she notices I'm the only one that's figured out something's wrong and she grabs me and takes me away before stuff behind us just goes nuts; things are blowing up, people are shooting at us.. We eventually get to our destination, which looks a little futuristic. And it turns out we've traveled a few centuries into the future. Problem is, that if I keep looking as I do, I'll be flagged as someone from the past and it'll take a long time for us to leave the 'timeport' or whatever, so she pulls out a device. Over the next 15 minutes or so, it changes me so that I look more like her. It's like a disguise, but it's permanent; apparently she's got an idea to pass me off as a twin sister to leave.. And she gives me an outfit that changes to match her own, but it changes color to match whatever I want it to with a single thought. Anyway, they need me to help figure out what happened so they can fix it, and we go about that, and then things start unraveling and apparently other stuff's going on like they're cloning the Xenomorphs from Alien like in Alien Resurrection and then my roommate knocks on my door and wants to know if I wanna go to wal-mart.

Pretty trippy stuff. Anyone good with dream interpretation willing to give me some help?

I had one of those dreams last night that starts out going one way, and then goes a completely separate way. It started out with me shopping in a Used Goods shop; something more upscale than a flea market, but not quite a hoity-toity expensive antique store. I'm looking around and come upon some guns, mostly replicas and such, but I recognize one item: The pink pistol used by Naomi Armitage in Armitage III. I pick it up... and suddenly, it changes to the Armitage III OAV.

And I'm Armitage going through the entire story from her perspective. I'd call it just a simple reflex of my mind, but it was rather meticulous in ensuring I saw it all from how she saw it. I didn't see the stuff she didn't see. And I woke up and decided to go find my copy of it; it wasn't anywhere to be found, though, so I had to go grab a copy of it through other means. Anyway, I got thinking about why I had that dream; I don't believe in dreams not having a meaning or value.

And I started getting it sorta; it's how I feel lately about the cultural attitudes about trans- people. We seem to have a different perspective, an experience few can imagine; we have so much to teach, so much to learn and so much to experience with others. We have a way of viewing life, particularly in valuing the little things in life some take for granted or even consider annoyances. Little things like the way people talk to us, the friends we make and how they treat us.

But still, some people just want to kill us, while others treat us like freaks.

Is it so strange to want to be yourself? To be genuine and real? To deny the idea of the physical determining destiny? When a paraplegic man climbs El Capitan, or a blind man flies across the country, or a breast cancer survivor goes out to train for the Boston Marathon... no one calls them a freak; on the contrary, they are BRAVE, STRONG, COURAGEOUS! But when a trans- person takes her first step out in high heels and a dress, looking stunningly beautiful but is spotted by an old high school friend and ID'd as Trans, that same friend may very well decide to no longer be her friend. That same 'friend' may react harshly, fling insults, or worse... become violent.

Excepting a few genderfuck activists and others who slant towards 'jamming' and other activities to shockingly subvert gender schemas, most trans folk seem to just want to be treated like normal folk. We're not out to run amok, destroying institutions with stealthy infiltrations into bathrooms and such. We just wanna go about our business, not get hassled, and be treated decently.

But I can't get that, I can't expect that. I have to fight for that. Sometimes, though, I recognize the limitations of my fight. I've had to take a map of my college and tour every building on campus for unisex bathrooms; because I know that those who know me before transition may react badly to me using the women's room after transition. I go from building to building with a highlighter and a pen, highlighting those buildings with those unisex bathrooms and a pen to mark down a note to where I can find it. Humanities Building is tagged with "1F, North Entrance". Row Hall, "1F, Entrance to PE Dept". Building by building, I'm finding them all, noting them all. And soon, I'll no longer just prefer them; I'll NEED them. Not to protect others from me, but to protect myself from others.

But do I feel bad about being trans? Fuck no. Like Roy Batty from Blade Runner, I can look at most people and say, "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe". I've seen the truest kindness of the most trusting and accepting family and friends. I've seen the horrible reaction of so-called friends who found out. I've seen myself, not just my face and body, MYSELF-- something no one has yet to know. I've seen men with vaginas and women with penises standing bold as brass in a world that would rather not acknowledge them. I've seen love, and I've seen hate; I hugged one and stood, stone-faced and bare-fisted, in front of the other.

But this past week, I saw something that made my heart almost explode with happiness this past week.. if you ask me, I may just tell you.

I love this world; I wouldn't miss a minute of it.

Oh yeah, I woke up 22 hours ago on 5 hours of sleep and thundered through working out, all my classes, newspaper meeting, vagina monologues meeting and practice, printing my subversive materials, and an awesome dance courtesy of UWG's Lambda... and still, that was not enough. I needed to turn things up a notch, and right a wrong.

I needed black pants for Vagina Monologues. I had two choices:
1) I could go and drop $30-40 on a new pair of pants that MIGHT fit.
2) I could take a pair of pants that DOES fit, spend $3 on an attempt to dye it black.

Well, the choice was obvious. Spend $3, and take a chance. And did it ever pay off! It looks blacker than new black pants. Saved lots of money and now I'm set for Vagina Monologues (assuming they still fit after all that hot water).

Now, sure, this isn't an epic world-shaking feat; but this is something I needed to have happen. One of those things where all the planets align and shit happens just right.

So, yeah, I'm strutting and listening to one of my favorite 'strutting' songs. Once those things pop out of the dryer, all will look upon my works, ye mighty.. and despair!

I'm in the basement of the UCC building here on campus.  I have SURPRISE $45 and I'm sitting next to a food court.  Why do I do this to myself?  It doesn't help that I got up around 4:30 this morning, and won't be back home until after 11 tonight, so my willpower is low and I'm fighting the urge to rush in there and chow on burgers and fries and such.

But I've got my dinner with me; rice and teriyaki tuna.  It's gonna be delicious, but I gotta go heat it up.  And resist the evil fried foods that will keep me in 4XL territory forever!

And I feel extra lame now after sitting in a Women's Studies course, listening to stuff I know to be true; that the media and advertising industry is driven by capitalist demands for consumption, and that urge to lose all that weight I have just so I can be sexy is part of patriarchal oppression and thebgewrgwergsndfkasdcvmasdkfgrfg..

Sorry, as much as it is true, it can get tiresome to talk about.  But the thing is, I know that, but I still wanna lose weight and look better.  Not because the media tells me to, but because I want it for myself.  I want to look good and feel sexy for once in my life, and that time's getting closer and closer, but I've gotta eat right and keep exercising, or I've got no hope.

But, I'm trying to avoid complaining, because all the stuff I'm active in is great, I get to spend time with awesome people and most importantly, it keeps me from sitting around and getting all depressed.

...maybe one diet coke won't kill me.  BRB.